Entre los dedos

Anoche mientras dormía soñé con la vida…
Al principio la vida se me escapaba entre de los dedos.
Eran pequeños granos de arena de diferentes colores.
Uno granos eran de tonos brillantes y vivos; otros eran de tonalidades opacas…
Rápidamente cerré mi mano en puño… No podía perder ni uno solo grano más. 
Seguían escurriéndose entre los dedos de mi mano cerrada.
Intentaba aferrarme fuertemente a ellos. 
Cerraba mi puño con fuerza.
Cuanto más cerraba la mano, más rápidamente se escapaban por entre los dedos. 
Entonces en mi sueño entendí… estaba todo muy claro. 
Abrí mi mano… ya no me importaba perder granos de arena.
La vida es libertad y no la podemos detener… Debemos vivirla.
Cada grano coloreado de arena era una experiencia de vida.
Aquellos que quedaban en mi mano eran experiencias por vivir…
Aquellos que rápidamente eran llevados por el viento eran momentos que no me correspondían experimentar…
Los granos de arena que caían lentamente entre mis dedos eran experiencias ya vividas…
Mi sueño me lo explicaba todo…
Vive intensamente la vida… al igual que los granos de arena, ella se escapa y no puedes aferrarte a ella, simplemente debes vivir, experimentar, aprender, recordar y amar.
Cada experiencia será única e inolvidable.
Seguí durmiendo…
Los granos de arena siguieron escapando por entre mis dedos abiertos pero cada grano que caía dejaba en mi corazón una marca especial con su tonalidad particular…

Madrid, 26 de Marzo 2016.
© Alan M. Rogers Martijena

Ice Cream

How do you forget someone you love? I can’t, I am cursed with an amazing memory. I remember he was eating ice cream in front of me. I was eating ice cream too, but I was watching him, he looked so handsome and sexy that I wished I was the ice cream he was eating.  I was telling a story just to break the silence; he smiled at me and asked if I wanted to taste his ice cream. I bit my lip and thank God for not giving him the super power of reading my mind.

 I have a dirty mind. I was staring at him, I could not keep my eyes away from him and it seemed he could not keep his eyes away from me either. I felt it, what some call chemistry, I felt his energy all over me, felt myself smile from the inside out because of him. He looked at me and his eyes sparkle, it was crazy, it felt so intense, the ice cream was melting fast. I had never wished to become ice cream before, I did not want to taste his ice cream I wanted to taste his lips, so now I was in deep trouble for now I wanted to be inside his mouth.

I told myself, it is all in your mind, control yourself, control your thoughts, I wondered if he felt it too, the chemistry? I think he did and that is why he asked me out the next day. He told me that he enjoyed being with me and wanted to see me again.

I wanted to see him again too, but I said sorry, I can’t. I was afraid of turning into ice cream, I am not kidding, I was a fool, I was a coward, I was afraid he might find out how much I liked him, how much his smile made me smile. I did not want to fall in love, and I was pretty sure that if I saw him again I would fall in love with him, because he was exactly my type if I had a type which I don’t, but he could very well be my type and I felt like leaving the country just to forget. Which I did too (left the country) but still I did not forget him.

I was an idiot to say no, a real coward, afraid to open my heart to love, because love is so very scary to a control freak like me. I was afraid let go and dive into my emotions, my feelings of desire and God knows what would happen if I let loose. That is my only regret and will never forget and I will never allow myself to doubt my heart again or be afraid of anything that will help me to grow. The control freak in me died after that and I would not waste another opportunity like that again if given the chance.

 
I will never forget the lesson in love, because that is what it was, if

you love someone, then you do what it takes and you take the risk, even if it means you might turn into ice cream. When I hear that things happen for a reason I think it is only up to me to make things happen. It’s all about choices.

Walk with me

(Love at first sight)

I was rehearsing on stage when he walked in the Aula Magna .

He had light brown hair and hazel brown eyes he looked directly at my big dark brown eyes like there was no one else there, yet the place was filled with dancers and teachers. For a second I felt the music stopped. He walked like he own the world, his shoulders back, his back straight, chin up and his beautiful brown eyes on me while I danced.  

He stood there looking at me while I got lost in the music and told a story with my body then a few minutes later when rehearsal was over he walked over to me and asked:

“Do you want to walk with me?”

“Yes” I said giving him my little gym bag for him to carry. He grabbed it and threw it over his shoulder.

We walked slowly outside, it was warm the beginning of summer, he talked and I listened, he told me who he was, what he liked and did not like. He was passionate about football and enjoyed most being outdoors, he told me about his mother, his sister and his father who was in jail for not paying his taxes. I thought he was brave, honest and amazing for opening his heart to me, a stranger he just met. We walked for who knows how long because time stood still and the people around us seemed to have disappeared. When we found ourselves back at the starting point of our walk he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend.

I said yes. I felt like I knew everything I had to know, the important stuff, how he made me feel and how comfortable he felt with me. I was happy to walk anywhere with him. We trusted each other.

“Do you want to walk with me some more?” I asked him

“Yes” he said. We continued walking holding hands, I told him about my love for music and dance since before I could walk, about the warm and sunny place I was born where there is no snow. I mentioned the things I did not like, lies being at the top of my list followed by smoking.  The things I feared like wasting time. I told him my secrets and dreams. I wanted to share everything with him.

We walked, we talked, we listened, we held hands, we kissed, and it was love at first sight.  

Little Voice

Trust – said the little voice

I was sharing one of my stories with a woman when I heard myself say:
“You know that little voice that tells you what to do…”

“I ...don’t. What voice?” She interrupted me “Do you hear voices inside your head?” She asked laughing
 
I quickly changed the subject without pausing and found an excuse to go and talk to someone else.
I really believed that everyone heard that little voice inside them. The voice does not come from my head, it comes from deep down. I call it “little voice”, at the beginning it was like a soft whisper, but the more I listened the louder and clearer it got. I wish it sounded like Morgan Freeman that would be so cool! My little voice is quite loud it knows what it wants and there is no stopping it when it wants something. I know better than to argue with it, because when I follow it, magic happens and I like magic.

Some people call it “gut feeling”, some say it’s “listening to your heart”. What I know for sure is that if you ask, it will tell you and if you pay attention and listen it will guide you in the right direction.

Trust – said the little voice today loud and clear

For The Love Of Cupid!!

I am still waiting for you – he said

For the love of cupid! Why would you wait for me?

I love you, I love you, I love you… I Love

How could you love me? You don’t know me!

I know that I love your smile; I want to wake up with your smile.

For the love of cupid… is this karma? Why is this happening? I swear if I get my hands on cupid I will take away his arrow! Ok so I get that you love me, I feel flattered, I feel honored that you feel that way, still don’t think you should be waiting for me. I don’t think you should be waiting on anyone. I am not coming back, and even if I do I don’t feel the same way you do and it’s not going to change. I really like you, but as a friend. I don’t mean to sound like a bitch, I just think you deserve someone who loves you and wants to wake up with your smile too and it’s not me. Why is life doing this to me? Testing me by having everything happen to me all at once? (Breathe, just breath)

I love you - he insists and I will wait for you, I don’t care how long it takes.

My life would be so much easier if I could say “I Love you” back, but I can’t. I don’t feel it. I can’t lie about it; I can’t pretend to love someone I don’t. I don’t know why this is happening, why you fell in love with me and I did not. Is this karma?

I don’t know.

I don’t think is fair, I don’t even know if I am capable of loving anyone again. I don’t know but I think it has to do with trust. I can’t trust. I have trusting issues. Trust is love. I got hurt so bad I don’t know if I could trust again. I don’t know how to open my heart and love again. I would like to love again; I just don’t know if I can do it.

What will it take to love again? What do you need to hear to love again?

(Breath, just breathe.) Don’t wait for me, promise you won’t wait for me. You should be out there having fun, loving everything, everyone you can get your hands into. You are amazing, you are handsome and you deserve to be with someone who sees how wonderful you are.

Now I love you even more! - he said smiling at me

For the love of cupid!  What is going on here?  Who is to blame for this? Why me? I am just a human, a warrior searching for the truth.

(Funny how we try to stop someone from loving us like it is possible.)

It’s been a long time; I just hope he is not waiting for me.

This is not about us. This is fiction any similarity to real events is pure coincidence. When somebody loves you, he won’t make you wait and she is going to want to wake up with your smile that I know for sure!

PICASSO

When love came knocking on my door I did not recognize him at first. He was so abstract like a Picasso painting I thought it was a joke; I was surprised to see love standing there outside my door. What a surprised I told him, I haven’t seen you in a very long time. Don’t just stand there. Do you want to come in? I asked.  

So why are you here? if I may ask

I am here for you - said love

Do sit down in the couch. Can I offer you something to drink?

Excuse me, why are you here again?

I came for you, I would like you will come with me.

I raised my eyebrows felling surprised.

It is so nice to see you; I told him and thought to myself: I love him so much, but it’s too late now, I can’t just leave everything, this empty house. Everybody has left and I am all alone, still, I can’t just leave, can I? I am hiding from the sun?

Love is sitting there quietly smiling at me like he knows something I don’t.

Love is always so wise.

You can’t hurry love, but you can’t put it on hold, it knows better.

Love will always find you no matter how hard you try to fight it, hide from it or try to scape it, love will always find you. Last night I dreamt of you. You came knocking on my door and I let you in. How can you not let love in? I opened my heart and now it’s filled with love. Not what I had in mind. I keep busy. They say things happen for a reason, like I am going to wake up one morning and know exactly why. I think I just did. I woke up and things that did not make sense are starting to make sense now. It feels like everything is connected and the only thing that really matters is love.

 

Baby

I am a fixer, there is something wrong with this picture it reminds me of the time I said I love you and you did not believe me. Maybe you thought I was like that guy in the picture a “Party Animal” or thought I was crazy for saying too much too soon and serving myself on a silver platter.

When someone says: I love you believe them; they need to say it more than you need to hear it. Been there done that. You can’t make someone love you, you can’t hurry love, but you can’t stop someone from loving you once they do, just because you don’t believe it’s true. You can’t put love on hold just because the timing isn’t right.

To love is to trust. I shared my thoughts, ideas and dreams with you; I did things I never thought I would, just to be there for you. You should have known I meant every word. 

I fell in love with someone strong, beautiful, wonderful, but you did not see what I saw, you questioned my intentions, my rights and my wrongs, you not trusting me like I trusted you was too painful. My heart opened to you and all I ever wanted was for you to love me back. Whenever I thought about love I thought about you. I saw the love in your eyes; I felt your love in your touch, in your kiss and all over my body.   

Sometimes we let our insecurities betray us and we forget what really matters. I am a fixer I can fix what’s wrong with this picture.

This picture reminds me: Let me tell you how amazing you are to me, call me when you are ready to open your heart to me and let me love you. Reach out to me if you want to see me, hold me, kiss me and show how much you care. Trust my feeling and yours. Baby I love you; you are the only one, close your eyes and listen to your heart. We can fix this, love always fights back. Love always finds a way out of the dark.  Baby I am yours and what’s yours always returns to you.