Unrequited Love

I just want to stay in bed staring at the white ceiling, cuddled up in my warm blanket thinking I am in his arms. I don’t want to get up. He told me he did not love me and it hurts so much. I wish I could forget. Forget everything about this unrequited love.
It’s hard to write about pain and heartbreak when you are in love. It’s even harder to write about love when you are broken up and hanging from one arm at the rooftop of a very high building fearing for your life. Unrequited love left me there, holding on, waiting to be rescued, looking down, losing faith, strength and hoping without hope.

I don’t blame him. Why would I. He was just being honest. His honesty cut me like a knife. No, it felt like a big tanker truck hitting me hard at full speed. I was left lying on the floor, all my bones broken and in pain. Forget my heart I am still picking up the pieces. He has no clue and he will never find out. I am a good actress; if I were an actress I would easily win an Oscar for my performance on “Moving On”.   I don’t stay home, crying, feeling sad about myself. I go out to meet friends; I get invited to parties every weekend. I travel to exciting places and do fun stuff all the time.

I am a traveling dancer, I am the queen of fun. I am the best at hiding sadness because I dance every day. The beauty of music and the beat, you can get lost in that and come out a different person and write your own stories with a song. If you don’t believe me, ask Pitbull, he is great, awesome and might even be president someday.  Billy Joel he is the only one who wants “Honesty” Wish I could go to his concert in New York and tell him not everyone is untrue and that honesty can cause a lot of damage and hurt too. I heard he plays In Madison Square Garden and his concerts are all sold out. Let’s forget about music and go back to the story. I wish I could forget about him and stay with my music all day. Listening to Pitbull and his pegajoso* “Dale” in my iPod.

What can I say about him? He is amazing, my unrequited love – I fell in love with him. Don’t know how or when it happened, if it was love at first sight or if I fell in love with him after he held my hand. I just know that he is like no one I have ever met before. He is completely different from me, but we have so much in common, we like many of the same things, music, art, kissing on bridges – no don’t go there, you don’t want to open that door, or you’ll want to burn that bridge down like the song by OneRepublic. I will be going to their concert in Nuremberg this October, I already have tickets and I am so excited… Dreams do come true. – At least that one.

The man I love is not only a good kisser, he has this special touch. He touches me and I melt. He is very smart and funny, makes me laugh a lot, inside and out. He is also very sensitive and caring, talented and I admire him for his passion, for his way with words and for his many talents. The truth is… l love everything about him, even the way he folds his napkin after he is finished eating. He has the sweetest smile, reminds me of a little kid who knows just to get out of trouble and his eyes sparkle when he looks at me. I loved him from the moment I saw his face and I never told him and now he will never find out. I love him so much it hurts. He is not air, but I find it hard to breathe since…
A hundred years ago somebody asked me: “How do you forget someone you love?”
I did not know what to say. I wished there was a little magic pill for that.  I felt like Alice in Wonderland. Lost and looking for a way home. Going through so many changes and opening and closing doors. It was wild. I traveled a lot looking for answers. I went to Prague, France, Budapest, Italy, and Croatia and back to Germany, some places I went twice. I was everywhere and everywhere I went, I saw his face or something in the clouds that reminded me of him. When nothing worked, I did what they do on those TV Shows to win money and I called a friend to ask for help.

I asked: “How do you forget a person you love?”

He laughed and said: “why would you want to forget someone you love? There is nothing better that the feeling of being in love!

No, it is not! I told him – Not when the person you love, does not love you back. I need to let him go and move on, I insisted. I am all alone in the feeling of being in love… and it feels like hell. It feels like love left me hanging from one arm at the rooftop of a high and very beautiful building in Budapest and I can’t get down or else I will die. I need help; I need to be rescued from this weird place I am in. Not being able to write about pain and heartache, break up or the other side; Love and the burning desire, the lust, the longing to want to have him, to touch him, to make him mine and to be his forever. To comfort him from his pain from his loss, to celebrate his many victories, to motivate him to become greater than he already is, to love him without asking anything but love in return. To become one soul, one body to connect until you are reminded what love is or what it feels like. To want him to teach me about love, to feel his love, his desire and have it embrace me like a warm cozy blanket when it’s even warm outside in the summer time.        

I am almost crying, very close to tears and my friend reminds me that I am beautiful, smart, talented, he recommends I read a lot of self-help books by Jorge Bucay** and tells me that time heals everything. His advice is to give it time and to look at life from a positive perspective, to be happy with what I have, which is a lot, and not to think about what I don’t have. He adds a few jokes to make me smile.

They say everything happens for a reason. It feels like everything happened to me all at once. I went from feeling invisible to being on top of a stage with all lights on me and three hundred people looking at me. I am a dancer and the show must go on. It does not matter how you are feeling on the inside. I went from Lust to Love, Learning that lust does not equal love was tough; from love to hate in 60 seconds after he said “I don’t feel the same” From hate to feeling nothing but staring at the ceiling this morning when I woke.  The show must go on. So get up from bed, I tell myself – stop staring at the white ceiling, the color won’t change. He does not love you, so you have to move on and find a way to help the woman hanging from one arm at the roof top of that building in Budapest, Le Méridien, you left there waiting to be rescued. It’s time to make your dreams come true. It’s time to get up. So get up and have a coffee or two.

Love is a feeling, if you feel it means you are alive. If you are alive make the most of that time. Do what you love, love what you do, Chase after Monkeys in Croatia if you have to. Dance, paint, take pictures, and listen to music on your iPod. Do Travel; take a bus, an airplane, a train, even a bike or walk downtown. Don’t make excuses for the things you did not do. Do what you said you’ll do. Start now.  This is not the end; this is only the beginning of the story.

When I don’t know where to begin I just tell myself… write about what you know.
 
It took me a long time to realize that the best way to forget is to remember until it doesn’t hurt anymore. Until what made you sad, makes you smile again. It’s been a long time; it feels like a hundred years have passed. Now we are ready. So enjoy the show. I mean hold on to your seat and enjoy the story.

Budapest not so long ago…

*pegajoso = Spanish for “catchy or sticky” as in catchy song

** Jorge Bucay =Best seller author of many great books. He was born in Buenos Aires; I have read many of his books.